Obviously, we couldn’t help but want to weigh in on the discussion when a reader recently sent us the following question:

I read that all guys want to sleep with their female friends. Is this true? And if it is, can men and women be friends?

Read on to see what we have to say on the matter.

Why men and women can’t be friends…

The idea that men and women can’t be just friends is far older than modern society. In certain particularly conservative societies it has even led to social contact between men and women outside of marriage being severely restricted – a practice that persists in some countries to this very day.

Luckily, in most modern nations such practices are a thing of the distant past, and both men and women are free to socialize with whomever they want.

But the idea that any friendship between men and women will inevitably be muddled by sex persists in popular culture, to the point of being one of the most common themes in some kinds of films.

Probably the most famous example of this is the 1989 romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally, which features the following conversation:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I’m saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don’t.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don’t.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail ‘em too.

Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

While that’s just a scene in a romantic comedy, there’s undoubtedly some truth to the basic argument: If you’re an attractive woman, then most of your male friends have definitely given the idea of sleeping with you at least some thought – and probably quite a bit more than just some.

Moreover, many of the single ones and at least some of the ones in relationships wouldn’t hesitate for even a second to actually sleep with you if the opportunity presented itself.

There is no doubt about it – “the sex thing” is definitely out there in most male/female friendships. Your male friends do fantasize about you, and many would gladly sleep with you. But does that make friendship completely impossible?

A quick look at reality gives us the answer to that question: it doesn’t, as evidenced by millions of male/female friendships.

…and why they can

Sure, your male friends might fantasize about you. But they also fantasize about the cute cashier at the grocery store, the waitress at their favorite restaurant, the female Director of Marketing at work, and any other attractive women they encounter.

Generally speaking, men seem to be less selective in the women they are attracted to than women are in the men they are attracted to. But that doesn’t mean that they go around hitting on random women all day long. Most men have the common sense to only approach those women with whom they have a realistic chance of success, and whom they can see themselves in a relationship with.

Apart from that, a vast majority of us understand that once we’re in a relationship, we can’t hit on other women, and that if women are in a relationship, we can’t hit on them. In fact, most of us wouldn’t want to do either of those things in the first place.

So even if your male friends are attracted to you, it doesn’t have to be a problem. If they’re half-decent guys, they will realize when you’re not interested, and if either you or they are in a relationship, they will keep their distance.

The one big caveat

But even though there is no doubt that men and women can be “just friends”, in practice  it is far from uncommon for male/female friendships to become quite complicated.

The pattern usually looks a bit like this:

1. Guy and girl get to know each other.
2. Guy becomes interested in girl.
3. Girl “friendzones” guy.
4. ???
5. Drama.

The opposite happens too, but for some reason does not seem to be anywhere as common. There are many possible explanations for this, with my personal theory being that while us guys judge potential partners merely by how much we like their personality and whether we’re physically attracted to them, women require something additional to become interested in a guy.

(As an aside: if you know the “secret ingredient” or have a better explanation, please leave a comment – millions of men are dying to find out.)

This situation can often be avoided quite easily. Just make sure that you’re not giving off mixed signals, and most guys will catch on soon enough.

If they don’t, you have to be clear about not being interested. That might ruin the friendship, but in the end it will be better for both of you – especially for him, since  he won’t waste months or even years trying to win over someone who simply isn’t interested.

As for those few who still won’t get the hint even after you’ve said it clearly, you’re better off avoiding them altogether.

What to make of all this

Of course men and women can be friends. Yes, your male friends might fantasize about you, but that doesn’t have to be a problem as long as that’s the end of it. Fantasies aren’t reality, after all.

Just be very sure not to give off mixed signals, and avoid those guys who can’t take the hint when you’re not interested.

6. Nagging

There are many ways to get someone to do something. Nagging is not among those ways. It makes someone resent not only whatever it is that needs to be done, but the person nagging them as well.

If you want your boyfriend to grow an intense dislike for you as a person, then nagging is your method of choice. But if you want him to do the dishes more often, you might want to try a different approach.

5. Demanding attention at the worst possible times

No matter how much a guy loves you, sometimes he just wants to (or has to) spend time on other things. And that should be alright. After all, he’s your partner, not your Siamese twin. If you don’t respect his personal space, you will just end up driving him insane.

So if he spends the occasional afternoon goofing off on the computer, watching the game on tv or “fixing” things in the garage, just let him be and maybe bring him a beer. He’ll love you for it, and will return the favor when you want some “you-time”.

4. Saying the opposite of what you mean

When he asks you if something is the matter, saying “I’m fine” is the worst possible way to tell him that you’re upset about something. Even if he realizes that you’re actually not fine at all, that answer makes it all but impossible for him to actually figure out what’s wrong and do something about it.

3. Getting between him and his friends

So you don’t like his buddies – perhaps even rightly so. But no matter how much you dislike them, something you should never do is try to come between him and his friends.

Even if you truly despise them, you don’t need to tell him about it. He probably knows it already, anyway.

2. Asking questions you don’t want answered

Do those jeans make you look fat? Is that girl prettier than you? Was his ex-girlfriend better in bed? Would he prefer watching the game and drinking beer over having dinner with your parents?

Every guy knows what the “correct” answer to these questions is, no matter what he actually thinks. And you know that he knows, so you also know that the answer you’ll be getting has nothing to do with what he thinks, and everything with his desire not to upset you.

Of course, it’s okay to ask such questions occasionally even if you already know what the answer will be. But if you ask them constantly, you will just drive him crazy in your quest for validation.

1. Being obsessively jealous

A bit of jealousy is normal, and even flattering. But when your boyfriend mentions something a female co-worker said, that does not mean he’s having an affair with her. And it definitely doesn’t mean you should spend the next three months obsessing over her and hinting that he has a thing for her.

I have a quick question:
I was going out with a guy for 2 years. He broke up with me last August-almost 2 years to the day that we started going out. He said his feelings changed and he wasn’t sure about us anymore. However a month or so previous to this he had spoken about moving in together. We hadn’t been fighting and as far as i thought everything was going great.
My question is why do men give mixed signals? When he says he isn’t sure or 100% about us anymore is that code for he just fell outta love with me and i can expect that it’s over for good?
I know most of the time men are pretty black and white about things so any advice would be appreciated!

The answer is simpler than you might think. When men give mixed signals, it’s usually because they have conflicting feelings.

In your case, it’s a possibility that he simply fell out of love. While painful, it happens in many relationships, and it’s probably better to find out now, instead of after a few years of living together. However, what I think is far more likely is that what really changed were his thoughts about the future, rather than his feelings about you.

You mentioned that he brought up the subject of moving in together just a month before breaking up with you. To me, that strongly suggests his reason for breaking up was a sudden fear of commitment, rather than a change in his feelings about you. By considering moving in together, he forced himself to take a look at the relationship, and question whether you’re the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Chances are that he didn’t exactly fall out of love with you. Instead, he decided that he wasn’t ready for serious commitment yet, and even though he enjoyed being with you, he wanted to know what else was out there. It’s not unlikely that he’s already regretting his decision or will regret it in the future.

Still, don’t wait for him to come back. Putting your life on hold for him does not make it any more likely that you’ll get back together, and will definitely make this an even harder time for you than it already is.