The List
Men often talk about not understanding women. And it’s true, most of us don’t. However, most women don’t understand men either.
That’s why I compiled this list of 128 things every woman should know about men.
Thanks go out to Luke, David and the dozens of other men who helped compile the list.
A final word of caution: most men will agree with most things on this list, but there are always exceptions. Apart from the points about us not being able to read your mind, anyway.
DATES
- We can’t read your mind. If you want to go out with us, there’s nothing wrong with asking.
- You don’t have male friends. If you think we’re your friends, it means we either want to sleep with you or date you.
- Don’t follow “The Rules”. We will think you are a manipulative psychopath.
- Kissing on the first date is fine. Sex is fine too, but we might think you’re a slut. If you’re hot enough, that won’t stop us from dating you.
- Too much make up will make you look ridiculous.
- We expect to pay on the first date, in most cases. You can score points by offering to pay half, then letting us refuse your offer.
- Laugh at our jokes. If you don’t, we will think you aren’t interested.
- On the first date, we don’t want to hear about your past boyfriends. Nor on any other date, for that matter.
- If you’re a great person, we will find out by ourselves. Please don’t talk about it.
- During dates, it’s perfectly ok if you stop talking about yourself every once in a while. If you’re starting to think we’re good listeners, that’s probably because we are imagining a dozen different ways of killing you with a spoon just to get you to stop talking.
- Burping, spitting and farting will turn us off.
- Playing hard to get is almost as bad as taking things way too fast.
- We will say anything to an attractive woman just to talk to her. It will not necessarily be coherent.
- Call or text us 6 times in an hour, and we will probably switch phone numbers. More than 100 times in a day gets you a restraining order. And no, restraining orders are not just another way of saying “I love you”.
- Piercings and tattoos are attractive to some of us, but the bad ones are awful to all of us. Get your lower back tattooed and we will never take you seriously again.
- Too much tanning makes you orange. You can either be orange or sexy, never both. Your choice.
- Your father/mother/aunt/brother/friend/dog/goldfish died? That’s awful. But don’t talk about it on our first date.
- Shoes, manicures, pedicures, elaborate hairstyles and fashionable clothing are all things we will not notice. The time and money you spend on them is time and money spent on making other women look at you.
- Short hair looks good on some women. You’re probably not one of them.
- Cry on our first date and we will not ask you on a second one.
- There is no need to announce up front that you won’t sleep with us on the first date, unless your goal is to let us know that you’re a neurotic wreck who thinks way too far ahead. In that case, we appreciate the warning, and we’ll call you back. Really, we will.
- Going on a few dates does not equal a relationship. Neither does sex.
- If you come on to us, we will probably gladly sleep with you. No matter how we actually feel about you.
- Don’t demand constant attention. It will scare us away.
- Don’t introduce us to your family after a single date. We will think you are crazy.
RELATIONSHIPS
- We can’t read your mind. If something is the matter, you should tell us.
- We’re easily satisfied. Have sex with us, be nice to us and don’t nag, and we’ll probably never want to leave you.
- If we ask you what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we’ll take your word for it and assume that there’s nothing wrong.
- During the first few months of dating, the words “marriage”, “children” and “love” may not be uttered.
- We do appreciate the cute things you do, even if we don’t always tell you.
- We know all your male friends want to have sex with you. That’s why we don’t like them.
- Don’t like our friends? Tough luck. They’re here to stay.
- If we say we like or love you, there is no need to ask us if we really meant it. Ask it more than a dozen times, and the answer may well switch to “no”.
- Don’t ask us if we think she’s prettier than you. If you have to ask, you probably won’t like the answer, and you’re forcing us to either lie or have you get mad at us.
- We like how you looked when we started dating. Change it, and we’ll probably be unhappy.
- Yes, we look at other women. No, that doesn’t mean we don’t find you attractive. All it means is that we’re straight males with eyes.
- Of course we think you’re attractive. We’re dating you.
- If you want it cleaned, you’ll have to do it yourself. We haven’t noticed it’s dirty yet.
- If you take us shopping and make us watch you try on ten pairs of shoes, there’s a good chance we’ll kill ourselves.
- We will lie about how you look. We do it because we want you to be happy, though.
- If we don’t mention your new dress our haircut, it’s because we don’t notice dresses and haircuts. We might notice you look good, though.
- We will never trust you 100%, and you should never trust us 100%.
- When you go to the gym, we worry because we know all men will be looking at you, and you could have every single one of them if you wanted to. We just hope you don’t want any of them.
- We know you look through our phones, computers, facebook pages, myspace pages and address books. Not cool.
- If you ask us for advice, expect an answer. We want to solve problems, not listen to you talk about them for hours.
- Offer to pay for things every once in a while. We’re dating you, not renting you.
- If you get clingy, we will push you away.
- We don’t need to do everything together. Watching sports, playing video games, drinking with our friends and playing poker are all things we can do perfectly well without you.
- We didn’t cause your PMS. If you blame us for it, we will think you are crazy.
- Your father dying is a good reason for crying. A souffle collapsing is not.
- We suck at picking out birthday presents. Give us clues.
- Sometimes, we like it when you get jealous. It makes us feel special.
- We will forget our 7 month anniversary.
- Silence is golden. Especially during movies and sports games.
- If we say we didn’t mean it, we probably did.
- We don’t care about the details of why your friend and you are in a fight. If you tell us anyway, we probably still won’t understand.
- We don’t care about what happens at your work unless it involves you or is particularly funny. Dan from accounting hooking up with Sharon from sales does not count as funny.
- Subtle hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. If you want to tell us something, you will have to say it.
- We don’t like visiting your parents.
- Sarah Jessica Parker is not a fashion icon. She’s the Wicked Witch of the West. Try and look like her, and we will break up with you.
- Yes, those pants make you look fat. We don’t care. Stop asking us things about clothes.
- Never compare us to your ex-boyfriends. Ever.
- If you weren’t skinny when we started dating you, we probably like it that you’re not skinny. What we don’t like is you asking us if we think you’re fat.
- Sometimes, we just want to be left alone. Even if we love you.
- Point out what you dislike about us and we will remember it. Forever. And we won’t like you for pointing it out.
- Talk to a man, and we will subconsciously feel the urge to punch him.
- Our tastes in movies, books and music will differ from yours. Don’t try to convince us that The Bridges of Madison County is a masterpiece – we will think you are crazy.
- Commitment scares us. Partly because we’re afraid you might turn into your mother the moment we put a ring on your finger.
- Compliments. We like getting them.
- Nagging does not make us do things faster. It does make us hate you faster, though.
- We hate hearing you talk on the phone almost as much as we hate talking on the phone ourselves. Keep it short.
- Don’t ask us about our ex-girfriends, and don’t tell us about your ex-boyfriends.
- Don’t tell us about anything sexual you’ve done with another man that you won’t do with us.
- Don’t clean up our messy offices. You will end up hiding every thing we actually need.
- Once we’ve told you we love you, we more or less expect that you’ll remember it. That’s why we don’t repeat it every few hours.
SEX
- We can’t read your mind. If there’s something you’d like us to do, tell us.
- If there’s anything you’d like to try that does not involve another man, the answer is yes. If it involves one or more other women, the answer is hell yes.
- Yes, we’d like to stick it in your butt.
- Sex should never be about power games. If you withhold sex to get us to do anything, consider the relationship over.
- Sex is important, no matter how long we’ve been together.
- Anything over an hour of making out, and you owe us a handjob. Blue balls hurt.
- A blowjob is always appreciated, and will make us forgive you for anything you might’ve done short of cheating on us or killing our mother.
- Our penis is the largest you’ve ever had. We’ll know you’re lying. We don’t care.
- Only get naked with us if you’re actually planning on having sex with us.
- In relationships, an active sex life is essential. Stop having sex with us and we’ll be miserable, which will usually hurt or end the relationship.
- Getting us in the mood requires you getting naked. Anything more is overkill, but might be appreciated.
- Telling us your fantasies is almost as good as fulfilling ours. Sometimes, it’s even better.
- Don’t ask us if we love you right before sex. The answer will be yes, no matter how we feel about you.
- Asking for anything right before sex is unfair, since we’ll be unable to refuse. If the sex is good, we’ll forgive you.
- Good sex makes us sleepy. If we fall asleep right after, consider it a compliment.
- If we’re both naked, it’s not a good time to start talking about feelings, relationships or marriage.
- Yes, we do think you’re hot. That’s why we’re in bed with you right now. Stop asking.
- Yes, we know your breasts/belly/butt aren’t perfect. We don’t mind, and like watching them and fondling them anyway.
- Good sex requires you to do more than just lay on your back.
- Talking dirty during sex is good. Talking about subjects other than sex during sex is very, very bad.
- We know you’re not perfect. We love seeing you naked, anyway.
- If we drink too much, there’s a chance we won’t get it up. It’s called “whiskey dick”, and it doesn’t mean we don’t find you attractive anymore.
- If you keep yourself clean, most of us will gladly go down on you.
- We watch porn. Every single one of us. Even if we could have sex with any woman we wanted at any time we wanted, we’d probably still watch it.
- The fact that we watch porn does not mean we cheat on you, or that we even want those pornstars. We’re with you because we want YOU.
- We masturbate. No matter how good you might be in bed, we’ll probably keep masturbating regularly until the day we die.
- Insult our penis and we will stop liking you forever.
- Regardless of whether your breasts are small, large, perk, soft, firm or anything else, we like playing with them.
- If you fake orgasms we will never find out what you really like.
- We like it when you touch our penis, but it’s not the only part of our body. The other parts need love, too.
- Condoms feel awful. We’ll use them if necessary, but we won’t like it.
- Covering up your body because you are self-conscious is much more of a turn-off than showing your body including a few extra pounds.
- If you enjoyed it, we appreciate you telling us. That way, we know we’re on the right track.
RANDOM STUFF
- Any movie that features explosions and people dying in spectacular new ways is worth watching.
- We prefer watching the game over shopping, cuddling or talking.
- We can be just as insecure as women, maybe even more so. Especially when we’re young.
- Light beer is not beer.
- Your movies confuse and enfuriate us. Especially Steel Magnolias. Don’t ever make us watch that.
- We talk about our sex lives with our friends, in detail. Exaggerated detail.
- Shiny new electronic gadgets can keep us occupied for hours. They also make good birthday presents.
- Occassionally, we do things just to brag about having done them.
- With other men, we compete over virtually everything. Especially the things that matter to us.
- Most of us care what our friends think. We just won’t admit it.
- Girls don’t poop. Even though we know it might not be completely true, please, don’t shatter our illusions.
- The Three Stooges are funny, Sex and the City is horror – the bad kind. Don’t make us watch it.
- Pulling pranks, playing video games and laughing at farts does not make us immature. Alright, maybe it does. We still won’t stop doing it.
- We are emotional. We just don’t show it. Or talk about it. Or want to talk about it.
- If we want to fix it, we probably consider it broken.
- If we won’t ask for directions, it’s because we know where we’re going. Sort of. Trust us.
- We have no idea why people would put plants or flowers in a room.
- The only reason we’d ever light candles is because we think you might like it.
- We dress that way because we suspect it might look good. We have no idea if we’re actually right.
And last but not least:
WE CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND
If you have any questions or suggestions, leave a comment below or send an email to menexplained@gmail.com.
This is greatly appreciated kind Anon MOAR
99.9% Accurate for me, too bad my girlfriend doesn’t speak English.
Kindly appreciated? Femanons do not exist.
On a side note, knowing I’m not the only insecure guy out there though is pretty rad.
Good stuff!
If only moar women read this, the world would be a much better place.
This Anon speaks the truth.
Females, take note.
Add “Do not try to turn anything on this list into a joke. It will not be funny.”
But all of these things are great and oh so true, nice job.
good good good
i have to say that is quite hilarious … as a girl i have picked up on about 99.99% of those and many of them i agree with however there are some that girls would like reciprocated … but i just know some guys will never do that *shrugs*
Contributing quite a few of these, I must say I like where this is going.
It started off as just a front page with a list and turned into a great/helpful website. I have alot more I can write in with, but actual insight not just some numbered list filled with babble that first comes to mind when asked what guys think. Good job on the site!
This list must, have been written by a man-child in his 20’s and who has never had a long-term relationship with a committed partner. Any women who reads this and believes even half of it, would understandably want nothing to do with men. Nothing of value here.
@yourlistisimmature: the list was compiled from the suggestions of several dozens of men, ranging in age from early twenties to early sixties. All items on the list were suggested or supported by several men.
The list isn’t perfect, but most men will agree with most things on the list. If the list appears to be immature, the reason might be that most men are a bit immature.
reading this list validates every reason why i LOVE being single! After an early marriage in my 20’s, i quickly realized that i would much rather be single and spend an evening with a man every once in a while then marry again and live with the frustration of cleaing up after a little boy. The illusion of romantic love is a fantasy anyway. Better to have deep friendships with men and seperate households. Now in my 40’s, life rocks. I plan to never get married again because i love my freedom!
Sorry, but I would say that 90% of your “list” is from hedonistic men who aren’t God fearing. That is to say “REAL MEN”. Your list confirms and actually endorses men to act at the most gutteral, hedonistic level – like animals. Part of being a real man is putting the needs of a family before a need for a blow job. I think your should take up religious studies. Seriously.
well… i think it is quite funny… my boyfriend showed me thi list
but…. this is not all so true!! u may not notice our new hairstyle but we do it for u! and yes u all do notice!! if u see 2 girls one with dirty and crazy hair all over the plaze and the otherone would have a hair thets perfect u would rather go on a date with her! the same about the clothes!
This really just cheered me up and i think its all true. My fellow girls should stop using men and their opinions as an excuse to be insecure.
And i would never assume you can read my mind, i’m not a stupid girl.
Those ’several dozens’ men, must have the following in common: they are all cynics, they haven’t got a clue what love is and they haven’t evolved from the animal kingdom.
Your list may be valid if you DON’T like a woman and if you’re not in love with her. When you do, nothing is valid anymore, because love takes over, man or woman.
Some of the things you listed there have nothing to do with being a man, they are valid for both sexes, and some are valid just in – excuse me – sick minds!
You make it UGLY, very ugly, sex should be an expression of love, as it happens, we are human beings, not animals, why do you have to make it ugly and speak in the name of men?
What you are doing here is actually taking women for granted and thinking women are idiots! A man who loves a woman and is loved by her, will never ever ever ever masturbate until he dies.
What you’re actually doing is trying to make women think this is the truth and they HAVE to understand poor immature men and do what men like ….
It’s pathetic.
And I can assure you that you WILL ask a woman you like on a second date, even if she cries on her first one! If you don’t, you don’t like her, whether she cried or not!
I can’t believe the manipulating rubbish that’s on this list.
This list will attract the ‘right’ women…good luck to all men out there who happily endorse this list! You will have everything you want, but never love!
@Love: You are probably very young or just very naive. Either way, you have some seriously twisted views.
Love isn’t something that’s instantly there. True love develops as you get to know the other person, not the moment you meet them. Because however romantic love at first sight might seem, in the end it is superficial because you don’t actually know the person in question yet.
So yes, it does matter what you do on the first date. Opening up too much to a person you’ve just met, for example by crying or telling far too much about yourself, simply is not a good way to start a relationship. It’s a clear sign of emotional instability.
Also, masturbation is perfectly normal, even if someone is in a happy, loving relationship. To quote Sue Johanson: “99 percent of men of all ages masturbate regularly and the other one percent are liars.”
Being comfortable with your sexuality is a good thing, regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. Masturbation is healthy sexual behavior. It allows you to explore your body and get to know it better, which will improve your sex life with your partner.
You might think you’re a romantic, but honestly, you’re not. You’re just very misguided…
Yep..poor me, I’m probably both, too young and too naive, you’d be shocked if you knew how young and naive I am.
Since when is crying a sign of emotional instability? Emotional instability is thinking “yes, we’d like to stick it in your butt’… (and offensive to all women who read this I might add, because you are addressing women in general here) AND very young AND very naive, emotional instability is to talk to your friends about your sex life in ‘exaggerated detail’, emotional instability is being afraid of expressing one’s feelings. Why do you confuse ’sensitivity’ with ‘emotional instability’ ?
Love may come later in a relationship (although definitely not always), but when you like someone, you like someone. When you don’t, you don’t. Something that would put you off a person you don’t like might seem very attractive on someone you do like. You want to be in control of what you like and what you don’t like. Don’t you realize that you are not?
There is absolutely no point in trying to ‘behave’ in a certain way, according to a rule book or a list, you cannot be someone else, you can only be the person you are. And I suppose everyone wants someone to like us the way we are and not the way we try to act because a list or a rule book says so.
Not talking about the fact that the motive for one’s tears doesn’t seem to be important to you at all, in assessing if a person is emotionally unstable or not. I might peel an onion on my first date, for God’s sake, who knows, I might want to cook for you and save you the money to take me out to a restaurant, would I be emotionally unstable if I cried? Oh…I see, no, I’d be a ‘nutter’ then, for thinking that I may want to cook for you on our first date. So .. WHAT? I may be a ‘nutter’ but then I am looking for someone who likes me as I am, why would I want to try to be someone else?
@Love: a first date is usually a lighthearted social thing. Given that context, it’s not sensitive. It’s a sign of emotional instability.
Crying at a funeral is normal. Crying while shopping for groceries is not. Crying when someone breaks up with you is normal. Crying when you take a slice of pizza is not. Crying when Bambi’s mother dies is normal. Crying when having dinner with someone you’ve never met before is not.
Are you getting the picture here?
And obviously, what’s being referred to is not crying because you cut some onions.
But anyway… good luck.
wow, do you think there are women out there who cry because they shop for groceries or because they have dinner with you? (well, actually I wouldn’t be amazed, I didn’t know what to do when I read this list, to laugh or to cry) Should they cry on a first date, they MUST have a reason, they don’t cry because they shop for groceries or eat or drink or meet you. And if they are emotionally unstable, well, then they are and will be anyway, so why do you tell them not to cry on a first date? You don’t want to know? You’ll know later anyway if the woman is emotionally unstable. Can’t you see so the whole thing is absurd?
By the way, this:
“Once we’ve told you we love you, we more or less expect that you’ll remember it. That’s why we don’t repeat it every few hours.”
Is one of the most patronizing statements I’ve ever read and it shows exactly what you think of women and it also shows that you haven’t got a clue what love means.
Thank you for your good luck wishes though.
Heh, I’m liking your arguments, Love, especially this one: “And if they are emotionally unstable, well, then they are and will be anyway, so why do you tell them not to cry on a first date?”
I also agree that if you like someone, you find things attractive that might repel you on someone you don’t like as much. It’s the difference between quirky and cute, and just plain weird.
It’s funny, I followed a link to this page because someone said it was a much better guide to relationships than ‘The Rules’ – to me it seems just as narrow and one-dimensional.
@Anna: This is not a guide to relationships. It’s a half-serious, half-humorous list of things men think about dating and women.
There are no “Rules”. That’s the great thing about freedom of choice – if you want to spend a first date crying about how awful your last boyfriend was, you are entirely free to do so.
This list merely informs you that most men won’t ask you on a second date if that happens. You don’t have to accept it, you don’t have to like it, and you don’t have to go out with men who more or less agree with this list.
If you agree with “Love” and want an emotionally open man who never masturbates, incessantly tells you he loves you, would never have sex without being truly in love, and sees crying on the first date as cute and quirky, this list certainly isn’t intended to prevent you from going out and trying to find one.
The list is just telling you that it will be a long, hard search…
@ Love
Please don’t include me in the statement “Emotional instability is thinking “yes, we’d like to stick it in your butt’… (and offensive to all women who read this I might add, because you are addressing women in general here)”
I’m a woman, and I don’t find that at all offensive. I find your generalisation that no woman could possibly enjoy it and the implication that if she does she isn’t normal, offensive.
And as for…
“Once we’ve told you we love you, we more or less expect that you’ll remember it. That’s why we don’t repeat it every few hours.”
Do you not get the humour in that statement?? Would you SERIOUSLY want a boyfriend to tell you that they loved you every few hours?? Don’t you see that if they did it would become totally meaningless????
I couldn’t be bothered to read through the rest of your rants, but I find your generalisations more offensive to women than this list.
I am about a year late to the game. However, Good job guys. I am not sure why some took such offense over some of the points on your list. No compiled list of a man’s wants, wishes or desires would fit EVERY man 100%. Reading through this list and employing a little common sense would allow anyone to grasp the general idea. Which I think is what you guys were going for.
Any woman who thinks that her man would not WANT to embrace a majority of these points is a fool. It would lead me to believe that she has had many short relationships or the men she dates are borderline gay.
The reality is this…The list above may be how a guy thinks. This list may be a man’s ideal in a testosterone ruled utopia. The fact of the matter is, they set aside some of this for our sake. Not because they like it, but for the sake of peace. Men are men. Men do not have a feminine side, at least they shouldn’t and we shouldn’t expect them to.
My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. I think it is because I figured most of this out early on. I don’t expect him to read my mind. I appreciate the fact that he keeps a card in his wallet with my clothing sizes, the perfume I wear and a list of things I have said that I would like for my birthday or Christmas.(smart man) I have even gone so far as to email him links to things I like. I recognize he wants facts and really can not relate if I argue based on emotion. I also know he is never going to tell me something makes me look fat, especially is we are getting ready to go somewhere. The last thing he wants to do is wait for me to find something else to wear.
Just because he wants time alone, likes hanging out with his friends, thinks about sex at least once every 10 minutes or enjoys a blowjob does not make him less of a family man. To suggest otherwise is just plain foolish.
Alright…I am going to step down off my soap box. I will wrap this up with this…Women, if you are smart, you will read this and recognize that even though your man may say this list does not describe him…he wishes it could be him.