Men often talk about not understanding women. And it’s true, most of us don’t. However, most women don’t understand men either.

That’s why I compiled this list of 128 things every woman should know about men.

Thanks go out to Luke, David and the dozens of other men who helped compile the list.

A final word of caution: most men will agree with most things on this list, but there are always exceptions. Apart from the points about us not being able to read your mind, anyway.

DATES

• We can’t read your mind. If you want to go out with us, there’s nothing wrong with asking.
• You don’t have male friends. If you think we’re your friends, it means we either want to sleep with you or date you.
• Don’t follow “The Rules”. We will think you are a manipulative psychopath.
• Kissing on the first date is fine. Sex is fine too, but we might think you’re a slut. If you’re hot enough, that won’t stop us from dating you.
• Too much make up will make you look ridiculous.
• We expect to pay on the first date, in most cases. You can score points by offering to pay half, then letting us refuse your offer.
• Laugh at our jokes. If you don’t, we will think you aren’t interested.
• On the first date, we don’t want to hear about your past boyfriends. Nor on any other date, for that matter.
• If you’re a great person, we will find out by ourselves. Please don’t talk about it.
• During dates, it’s perfectly ok if you stop talking about yourself every once in a while. If you’re starting to think we’re good listeners, that’s probably because we are imagining a dozen different ways of killing you with a spoon just to get you to stop talking.
• Burping, spitting and farting will turn us off.
• Playing hard to get is almost as bad as taking things way too fast.
• We will say anything to an attractive woman just to talk to her. It will not necessarily be coherent.
• Call or text us 6 times in an hour, and we will probably switch phone numbers. More than 100 times in a day gets you a restraining order. And no, restraining orders are not just another way of saying “I love you”.
• Piercings and tattoos are attractive to some of us, but the bad ones are awful to all of us. Get your lower back tattooed and we will never take you seriously again.
• Too much tanning makes you orange. You can either be orange or sexy, never both. Your choice.
• Your father/mother/aunt/brother/friend/dog/goldfish died? That’s awful. But don’t talk about it on our first date.
• Shoes, manicures, pedicures, elaborate hairstyles and fashionable clothing are all things we will not notice. The time and money you spend on them is time and money spent on making other women look at you.
• Short hair looks good on some women. You’re probably not one of them.
• Cry on our first date and we will not ask you on a second one.
• There is no need to announce up front that you won’t sleep with us on the first date, unless your goal is to let us know that you’re a neurotic wreck who thinks way too far ahead. In that case, we appreciate the warning, and we’ll call you back. Really, we will.
• Going on a few dates does not equal a relationship. Neither does sex.
• If you come on to us, we will probably gladly sleep with you. No matter how we actually feel about you.
• Don’t demand constant attention. It will scare us away.
• Don’t introduce us to your family after a single date. We will think you are crazy.

RELATIONSHIPS

• We can’t read your mind. If something is the matter, you should tell us.
• We’re easily satisfied. Have sex with us, be nice to us and don’t nag, and we’ll probably never want to leave you.
• If we ask you what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we’ll take your word for it and assume that there’s nothing wrong.
• During the first few months of dating, the words “marriage”, “children” and “love” may not be uttered.
• We do appreciate the cute things you do, even if we don’t always tell you.
• We know all your male friends want to have sex with you. That’s why we don’t like them.
• Don’t like our friends? Tough luck. They’re here to stay.
• If we say we like or love you, there is no need to ask us if we really meant it. Ask it more than a dozen times, and the answer may well switch to “no”.
• Don’t ask us if we think she’s prettier than you. If you have to ask, you probably won’t like the answer, and you’re forcing us to either lie or have you get mad at us.
• We like how you looked when we started dating. Change it, and we’ll probably be unhappy.
• Yes, we look at other women. No, that doesn’t mean we don’t find you attractive. All it means is that we’re straight males with eyes.
• Of course we think you’re attractive. We’re dating you.
• If you want it cleaned, you’ll have to do it yourself. We haven’t noticed it’s dirty yet.
• If you take us shopping and make us watch you try on ten pairs of shoes, there’s a good chance we’ll kill ourselves.
• We will lie about how you look. We do it because we want you to be happy, though.
• If we don’t mention your new dress our haircut, it’s because we don’t notice dresses and haircuts. We might notice you look good, though.
• We will never trust you 100%, and you should never trust us 100%.
• When you go to the gym, we worry because we know all men will be looking at you, and you could have every single one of them if you wanted to. We just hope you don’t want any of them.
• We know you look through our phones, computers, facebook pages, myspace pages and address books. Not cool.
• If you ask us for advice, expect an answer. We want to solve problems, not listen to you talk about them for hours.
• Offer to pay for things every once in a while. We’re dating you, not renting you.
• If you get clingy, we will push you away.
• We don’t need to do everything together. Watching sports, playing video games, drinking with our friends and playing poker are all things we can do perfectly well without you.
• We didn’t cause your PMS. If you blame us for it, we will think you are crazy.
• Your father dying is a good reason for crying. A souffle collapsing is not.
• We suck at picking out birthday presents. Give us clues.
• Sometimes, we like it when you get jealous. It makes us feel special.
• We will forget our 7 month anniversary.
• Silence is golden. Especially during movies and sports games.
• If we say we didn’t mean it, we probably did.
• We don’t care about the details of why your friend and you are in a fight. If you tell us anyway, we probably still won’t understand.
• We don’t care about what happens at your work unless it involves you or is particularly funny. Dan from accounting hooking up with Sharon from sales does not count as funny.
• Subtle hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. If you want to tell us something, you will have to say it.
• We don’t like visiting your parents.
• Sarah Jessica Parker is not a fashion icon. She’s the Wicked Witch of the West. Try and look like her, and we will break up with you.
• Yes, those pants make you look fat. We don’t care. Stop asking us things about clothes.
• Never compare us to your ex-boyfriends. Ever.
• If you weren’t skinny when we started dating you, we probably like it that you’re not skinny. What we don’t like is you asking us if we think you’re fat.
• Sometimes, we just want to be left alone. Even if we love you.
• Point out what you dislike about us and we will remember it. Forever. And we won’t like you for pointing it out.
• Talk to a man, and we will subconsciously feel the urge to punch him.
• Our tastes in movies, books and music will differ from yours. Don’t try to convince us that The Bridges of Madison County is a masterpiece – we will think you are crazy.
• Commitment scares us. Partly because we’re afraid you might turn into your mother the moment we put a ring on your finger.
• Compliments. We like getting them.
• Nagging does not make us do things faster. It does make us hate you faster, though.
• We hate hearing you talk on the phone almost as much as we hate talking on the phone ourselves. Keep it short.
• Don’t ask us about our ex-girfriends, and don’t tell us about your ex-boyfriends.
• Don’t tell us about anything sexual you’ve done with another man that you won’t do with us.
• Don’t clean up our messy offices. You will end up hiding every thing we actually need.
• Once we’ve told you we love you, we more or less expect that you’ll remember it. That’s why we don’t repeat it every few hours.

SEX

• We can’t read your mind. If there’s something you’d like us to do, tell us.
• If there’s anything you’d like to try that does not involve another man, the answer is yes. If it involves one or more other women, the answer is hell yes.
• Yes, we’d like to stick it in your butt.
• Sex should never be about power games. If you withhold sex to get us to do anything, consider the relationship over.
• Sex is important, no matter how long we’ve been together.
• Anything over an hour of making out, and you owe us a handjob. Blue balls hurt.
• A blowjob is always appreciated, and will make us forgive you for anything you might’ve done short of cheating on us or killing our mother.
• Our penis is the largest you’ve ever had. We’ll know you’re lying. We don’t care.
• Only get naked with us if you’re actually planning on having sex with us.
• In relationships, an active sex life is essential. Stop having sex with us and we’ll be miserable, which will usually hurt or end the relationship.
• Getting us in the mood requires you getting naked. Anything more is overkill, but might be appreciated.
• Telling us your fantasies is almost as good as fulfilling ours. Sometimes, it’s even better.
• Don’t ask us if we love you right before sex. The answer will be yes, no matter how we feel about you.
• Asking for anything right before sex is unfair, since we’ll be unable to refuse. If the sex is good, we’ll forgive you.
• Good sex makes us sleepy. If we fall asleep right after, consider it a compliment.
• If we’re both naked, it’s not a good time to start talking about feelings, relationships or marriage.
• Yes, we do think you’re hot. That’s why we’re in bed with you right now. Stop asking.
• Yes, we know your breasts/belly/butt aren’t perfect. We don’t mind, and like watching them and fondling them anyway.
• Good sex requires you to do more than just lay on your back.
• Talking dirty during sex is good. Talking about subjects other than sex during sex is very, very bad.
• We know you’re not perfect. We love seeing you naked, anyway.
• If we drink too much, there’s a chance we won’t get it up. It’s called “whiskey dick”, and it doesn’t mean we don’t find you attractive anymore.
• If you keep yourself clean, most of us will gladly go down on you.
• We watch porn. Every single one of us. Even if we could have sex with any woman we wanted at any time we wanted, we’d probably still watch it.
• The fact that we watch porn does not mean we cheat on you, or that we even want those pornstars. We’re with you because we want YOU.
• We masturbate. No matter how good you might be in bed, we’ll probably keep masturbating regularly until the day we die.
• Insult our penis and we will stop liking you forever.
• Regardless of whether your breasts are small, large, perk, soft, firm or anything else, we like playing with them.
• If you fake orgasms we will never find out what you really like.
• We like it when you touch our penis, but it’s not the only part of our body. The other parts need love, too.
• Condoms feel awful. We’ll use them if necessary, but we won’t like it.
• Covering up your body because you are self-conscious is much more of a turn-off than showing your body including a few extra pounds.
• If you enjoyed it, we appreciate you telling us. That way, we know we’re on the right track.

RANDOM STUFF

• Any movie that features explosions and people dying in spectacular new ways is worth watching.
• We prefer watching the game over shopping, cuddling or talking.
• We can be just as insecure as women, maybe even more so. Especially when we’re young.
• Light beer is not beer.
• Your movies confuse and enfuriate us. Especially Steel Magnolias. Don’t ever make us watch that.
• We talk about our sex lives with our friends, in detail. Exaggerated detail.
• Shiny new electronic gadgets can keep us occupied for hours. They also make good birthday presents.
• Occassionally, we do things just to brag about having done them.
• With other men, we compete over virtually everything. Especially the things that matter to us.
• Most of us care what our friends think. We just won’t admit it.
• Girls don’t poop. Even though we know it might not be completely true, please, don’t shatter our illusions.
• The Three Stooges are funny, Sex and the City is horror – the bad kind. Don’t make us watch it.
• Pulling pranks, playing video games and laughing at farts does not make us immature. Alright, maybe it does. We still won’t stop doing it.
• We are emotional. We just don’t show it. Or talk about it. Or want to talk about it.
• If we want to fix it, we probably consider it broken.
• If we won’t ask for directions, it’s because we know where we’re going. Sort of. Trust us.
• We have no idea why people would put plants or flowers in a room.
• The only reason we’d ever light candles is because we think you might like it.
• We dress that way because we suspect it might look good. We have no idea if we’re actually right.

And last but not least:

WE CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND

If you have any questions or suggestions, leave a comment below or send an email to menexplained@gmail.com.